A New Month

It's going to be a busy month for me. I promised myself that I was going to get a start on editing my novel, with the hope to have it edited by mid-January, so that I can start putting the finishing touches on it and have it ready to send out to agents by the spring. Of course, we'll have to see if that actually happens, or if I procrastinate my way through the month, as I'm so good at.

Of course, I do have some excuse. Classes end next Friday, and I've got 2 exams and a 12 page paper due by then, and then another 2 exams and another paper by the 20th of December. So when I don't work on my novel, I'm justified, right? Right???

But at this moment, that's not what's bothering me. I'm a really lazy person, and I...I won't go as far as to say that I don't care about my classes, because that's absolutely not true, it's that some days, I just wake up and I just can't convince myself that it's worth going to class. For most of my classes, this is not a problem. Most of my classes are either too large for the professor to notice whether I'm there or not, or too impersonal for them to care. That, however, is not the case for Russian. Technically, you're only supposed to miss 3 classes a semester, and every one after that loses you a grade point, or something like that. Thing is, our Russian dept is really small, and so in their endeavor to keep students, they don't like to fail people. That bad attitude towards going to class has lingered through three semesters of Russian now.

But today when I got to class, she told me that I'd missed too many classes, and asked what I thought we should do about it. I never got a chance to answer before class started. I have to go see her tomorrow for part of my exam, and I know the subject is going to be brought up, and I have nothing to say in my own defense except that I'm lazy. I don't know what she's going to suggest. I'm thinking at this point that I'd probably be lucky to get off with a C. I've never gotten a C before. But even worse than that, I'm thinking she might fail me and I don't know how I would face myself or my parents with that. Really, I don't. There's nothing I can do at this point, though, there is no case that I can make, no excuses. I have decided that if she says something like that, I will ask what I can do to change that, and if nothing, well, then there's nothing that I can do.

I'm trying to convince myself that this is all just a worst-case scenario, but...I can't. I'm a worrier by nature, and I just don't know what I'll do if she fails me.

But it's my own stupid fault, and I'm not blaming anyone else for it.

I hope that it comes up tomorrow. If not, it's something I'm going to worry about until I see my grades in January, and that would be awful (though probably no more than I deserve).